Eva Solen, this chapter gives painful language to the moment when rules meant to create safety become unable to protect the person whose dignity is already under strain. The most devastating thread is the narrator’s recognition that she has been competing for her own husband while calling it freedom, turning performance into survival and desire into a test she never truly wanted to take. You capture how betrayal can become disorienting when it arrives inside agreed-upon structures, because the presence of rules can make harm harder to name while it is happening. Grateful for the emotional honesty in showing how self-abandonment can hide beneath sophistication, consent language, and the desperate hope that love will still choose us.
Oh thank you for writing that - and so eloquently! That was just so beautifully said and so perceptive of you. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read and write such a thoughtful considered message.
Ooh…this one made me the angriest I’ve been so far! Ugh! WTAF, Caleb?! Also what’s his face disrobing you! 🤬🤬🤬🤬
The moment the door closed I felt like Caleb completely abandoned you. There was no sense of true consent or safety in that room for you—before or after that door closed. I wanted to bust in, wrap a blanket around you and guide you to safety. FUCK YOU was the exact right response—and I could clearly understand from your perspective why those words weren’t able to come screaming out of your mouth, or why you didn’t rip the door open and say, NOPE!
The way he consistently used gaslighting to somehow justify why the rules he ALWAYS broke first don’t apply to him, but somehow absolutely apply to you. 😡
My nervous system is gonna need a minute after this one! 😤😤😤🤬 Excellent writing as always. Sending you extra love with this one. 💜💜😮💨
🥰 Thanks for your beautiful message Melinda .. I don’t understand why I didn’t use my voice either. It’s such strange dynamics being with other people in that way. I certainly would do it very differently now!
I feel the same about so many moments in my life now. It’s easy to look back and say why didn’t I then? It’s very clear to me why you didn’t, you were trying to save your marriage. All while navigating something completely foreign because you lived a lifetime being able to trust your partner and feeling pressured to keep things fresh and push outside of your comfort zone. You were walking a ragged tightrope filled with emotional landmines and traumatic experiences pulling your legs out from under you at every turn. There’s no shame in thinking you’re doing the right thing for your marriage and family until you realize that if it’s not right for you, it’s not right. Marriage is a team sport. It can also be hard to see what later seems so glaring when we’re still in the middle of it. 💜
That’s so very gracious of you to say. I appreciate that. It was certainly a ragged tightrope! Good description. I do hope you’re going ok :) I’ve been thinking of you
Just finished reading this chapter! This is fascinating. The religion must have really been masking a lot of his nature. Also…he couldn’t get it up and expressed it was as though his body only responded to you…but somehow prioritizing overriding his response and pursuing this whole fantasy was more important to him than that. I’m not a therapist (I’m a mental health coach) but I agree he seems to have some kind of condition. The fixation on it and relentless pushing you into it is something else. Sidenote — as someone who needs a connection with someone to want anything to do with their genitals, it’s so hard for me to understand people who are into swinging 😅
It really is hard to understand Liz! I still don’t get it. You might be right about the religion masking. Thanks for reading and sharing - it’s so insightful to me other peoples perspectives.
Caleb is a psychopath. I'm thinking it's some kind of 'condition' like the earlier psychologist/therapist had mentioned. The gaslighting is what gets me most. you were trying so hard to go along with his effin fantasy and he still finds reasons to be pissed off at you? the rules didn't matter to him but you were still supposed to follow them. and then for him to be disappointed in his performance (or lack of) instead of his life choices???? I am sure it gets worse before it gets better but I seriously loathe him. Also concur that looking back you see things you absolutely did not see at the time. sending you hugs, you are amazing! looking forward to the awakening!! 💜🧡❤️💙
Haha.. I love the way you write. Yes it gets a bit darker and more tangled before the light but the light is worth it.! Thank you for continuing to read and your beautiful encouragement xx it’s so appreciated
Yesss my fave of the week!!!! How crazy that this keeps happening to him but also says a lot about how he actually isnt the man he would so much like to be! I think this is why he must have cried...the realisation that it wont work and how it must make him feel broken even though he wants this most.
I felt the anger and the pain here though and i think i would have done exactly the same as you, just to even the score card cus wtf, fuck you then mate and watch this 🤣
Brilliant as always, thank you for always sharing even though i expect these parts may feel the most vulnerable! Until next week 🤗🩷
Yay - I read (listened to it first) and all the way through. Brilliant story telling and fantastic writing as always.
THIS
At every meet the whole of my effort went one way, to be the most beautiful, the funniest, the easiest woman in the room, so that at some point in the night Caleb would look across at me and think, what on earth am I doing this for, my wife is the best thing here, I just want her. That was the entire game. Not pleasure. Not adventure. A competition I had entered against women I had never met, for a prize I already owned, or thought I did.
I had a lump in my throat and almost cried. LOL. I blame that on the high humidity (of course).
Right seriously, WTF NOW- Caleb, what's the deal? I don't know why and not sure if you've ever said what he does but I've assumed he is a successful businessman or high up in some corporate role? Either way if , I don't know why but I decided you were (are) resonably well off - which is relevant to what I'm about to say - lol
But yes.. Caleb? is he a pyschopath? - the high functioning successful kind - as he seems to lack any empathy but possess high social intelligence - he blends in - high sensation seeking - etc - and then he has sexual arousal issues - psychopaths often struggle to form emotional bonds or experience genuine emotional intimacy hence the brain may fail to trigger the necessary arousal required to maintain an erection - BUT - he doesn't have sexual issues with you.
AND WTF - Enough now dude - how many times - and I'm so sorry you go to bed and wake up and he says basically treat it as a rehearsal - again sorry psychopath
and then lets take the kids to the beach - psychopath - must be
Please do take that is a nasty way - he's not businessman - alll of them have it - psychopath
man ive wafffled
lucky you reading that - i feel like the comments are leave for you make me look nore unhinged than I actually even am
haha - I greatly appreciate your waffle, and look forward to it. Thank you:) I literally didn’t think he was a psychopath when I was in it, but visiting each chapter now Im like wtf?? I really would like a psychologist to explain what was going on with him and with me. He was not a high profile businessman. Just an ordinary job, and we were middle class Joes.
Sorry I don’t know how i missed this - apologies. Something isn’t right lol - it makes no sense - he clearly had emotional problems in the moment hence the no show - maybe he had some underlying or unresolved issues from childhood / that he didn’t even know
Another amazing chapter, Eva. Saved for my day off. I see the convo between you and MWNN. I'm not sure I think he's a psychopath but certainly mentally and emotionally abusive. He uses manipulation and gaslighting for sure. An abusive person will use these for whatever means they want to achieve so whether pushing "you" to do things you prefer not for him or others, I feel is irrelevant. I've heard of a man having his wife strip to pay the bills. In any abusive situation, it will escalate. Any addiction will need to be fed more and more.
I had this thought, as did MWNN, that you were more affluent. Maybe your career and the lofty English accent of the AI voice LOL
It is a real concern to end a marriage when considering just finances and housing is a huge concern, I believe globally. And the biggest concern is of course the children. ❤️
Eva Solen, this chapter gives painful language to the moment when rules meant to create safety become unable to protect the person whose dignity is already under strain. The most devastating thread is the narrator’s recognition that she has been competing for her own husband while calling it freedom, turning performance into survival and desire into a test she never truly wanted to take. You capture how betrayal can become disorienting when it arrives inside agreed-upon structures, because the presence of rules can make harm harder to name while it is happening. Grateful for the emotional honesty in showing how self-abandonment can hide beneath sophistication, consent language, and the desperate hope that love will still choose us.
Oh thank you for writing that - and so eloquently! That was just so beautifully said and so perceptive of you. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read and write such a thoughtful considered message.
Ooh…this one made me the angriest I’ve been so far! Ugh! WTAF, Caleb?! Also what’s his face disrobing you! 🤬🤬🤬🤬
The moment the door closed I felt like Caleb completely abandoned you. There was no sense of true consent or safety in that room for you—before or after that door closed. I wanted to bust in, wrap a blanket around you and guide you to safety. FUCK YOU was the exact right response—and I could clearly understand from your perspective why those words weren’t able to come screaming out of your mouth, or why you didn’t rip the door open and say, NOPE!
The way he consistently used gaslighting to somehow justify why the rules he ALWAYS broke first don’t apply to him, but somehow absolutely apply to you. 😡
My nervous system is gonna need a minute after this one! 😤😤😤🤬 Excellent writing as always. Sending you extra love with this one. 💜💜😮💨
🥰 Thanks for your beautiful message Melinda .. I don’t understand why I didn’t use my voice either. It’s such strange dynamics being with other people in that way. I certainly would do it very differently now!
I feel the same about so many moments in my life now. It’s easy to look back and say why didn’t I then? It’s very clear to me why you didn’t, you were trying to save your marriage. All while navigating something completely foreign because you lived a lifetime being able to trust your partner and feeling pressured to keep things fresh and push outside of your comfort zone. You were walking a ragged tightrope filled with emotional landmines and traumatic experiences pulling your legs out from under you at every turn. There’s no shame in thinking you’re doing the right thing for your marriage and family until you realize that if it’s not right for you, it’s not right. Marriage is a team sport. It can also be hard to see what later seems so glaring when we’re still in the middle of it. 💜
That’s so very gracious of you to say. I appreciate that. It was certainly a ragged tightrope! Good description. I do hope you’re going ok :) I’ve been thinking of you
Just finished reading this chapter! This is fascinating. The religion must have really been masking a lot of his nature. Also…he couldn’t get it up and expressed it was as though his body only responded to you…but somehow prioritizing overriding his response and pursuing this whole fantasy was more important to him than that. I’m not a therapist (I’m a mental health coach) but I agree he seems to have some kind of condition. The fixation on it and relentless pushing you into it is something else. Sidenote — as someone who needs a connection with someone to want anything to do with their genitals, it’s so hard for me to understand people who are into swinging 😅
It really is hard to understand Liz! I still don’t get it. You might be right about the religion masking. Thanks for reading and sharing - it’s so insightful to me other peoples perspectives.
Caleb is a psychopath. I'm thinking it's some kind of 'condition' like the earlier psychologist/therapist had mentioned. The gaslighting is what gets me most. you were trying so hard to go along with his effin fantasy and he still finds reasons to be pissed off at you? the rules didn't matter to him but you were still supposed to follow them. and then for him to be disappointed in his performance (or lack of) instead of his life choices???? I am sure it gets worse before it gets better but I seriously loathe him. Also concur that looking back you see things you absolutely did not see at the time. sending you hugs, you are amazing! looking forward to the awakening!! 💜🧡❤️💙
Haha.. I love the way you write. Yes it gets a bit darker and more tangled before the light but the light is worth it.! Thank you for continuing to read and your beautiful encouragement xx it’s so appreciated
Yesss my fave of the week!!!! How crazy that this keeps happening to him but also says a lot about how he actually isnt the man he would so much like to be! I think this is why he must have cried...the realisation that it wont work and how it must make him feel broken even though he wants this most.
I felt the anger and the pain here though and i think i would have done exactly the same as you, just to even the score card cus wtf, fuck you then mate and watch this 🤣
Brilliant as always, thank you for always sharing even though i expect these parts may feel the most vulnerable! Until next week 🤗🩷
🥰💕🌸 aww you x I love your comments x thank you
Yay - I read (listened to it first) and all the way through. Brilliant story telling and fantastic writing as always.
THIS
At every meet the whole of my effort went one way, to be the most beautiful, the funniest, the easiest woman in the room, so that at some point in the night Caleb would look across at me and think, what on earth am I doing this for, my wife is the best thing here, I just want her. That was the entire game. Not pleasure. Not adventure. A competition I had entered against women I had never met, for a prize I already owned, or thought I did.
I had a lump in my throat and almost cried. LOL. I blame that on the high humidity (of course).
Right seriously, WTF NOW- Caleb, what's the deal? I don't know why and not sure if you've ever said what he does but I've assumed he is a successful businessman or high up in some corporate role? Either way if , I don't know why but I decided you were (are) resonably well off - which is relevant to what I'm about to say - lol
But yes.. Caleb? is he a pyschopath? - the high functioning successful kind - as he seems to lack any empathy but possess high social intelligence - he blends in - high sensation seeking - etc - and then he has sexual arousal issues - psychopaths often struggle to form emotional bonds or experience genuine emotional intimacy hence the brain may fail to trigger the necessary arousal required to maintain an erection - BUT - he doesn't have sexual issues with you.
AND WTF - Enough now dude - how many times - and I'm so sorry you go to bed and wake up and he says basically treat it as a rehearsal - again sorry psychopath
and then lets take the kids to the beach - psychopath - must be
Please do take that is a nasty way - he's not businessman - alll of them have it - psychopath
man ive wafffled
lucky you reading that - i feel like the comments are leave for you make me look nore unhinged than I actually even am
xx
Did you actually get a lump in your throat?
yes -
no course not -
not me mate
never
i’m currently drinking gasoline and walking on hot coal
Don’t pass wind
haha - I greatly appreciate your waffle, and look forward to it. Thank you:) I literally didn’t think he was a psychopath when I was in it, but visiting each chapter now Im like wtf?? I really would like a psychologist to explain what was going on with him and with me. He was not a high profile businessman. Just an ordinary job, and we were middle class Joes.
Sorry I don’t know how i missed this - apologies. Something isn’t right lol - it makes no sense - he clearly had emotional problems in the moment hence the no show - maybe he had some underlying or unresolved issues from childhood / that he didn’t even know
Another amazing chapter, Eva. Saved for my day off. I see the convo between you and MWNN. I'm not sure I think he's a psychopath but certainly mentally and emotionally abusive. He uses manipulation and gaslighting for sure. An abusive person will use these for whatever means they want to achieve so whether pushing "you" to do things you prefer not for him or others, I feel is irrelevant. I've heard of a man having his wife strip to pay the bills. In any abusive situation, it will escalate. Any addiction will need to be fed more and more.
I had this thought, as did MWNN, that you were more affluent. Maybe your career and the lofty English accent of the AI voice LOL
It is a real concern to end a marriage when considering just finances and housing is a huge concern, I believe globally. And the biggest concern is of course the children. ❤️