Eva, this chapter is devastating in its precision: the casserole on the counter, the costumes, the ordinary house, the morning after, and the cycle that made apology feel like safety. The sentence about tenderness as the delivery system carries the chapter’s hardest truth, showing how affection can become part of the machinery that keeps a person confused, hopeful, and vulnerable. You make consent visible by showing the world that erased it, then showing how blame got rerouted back onto the person whose boundary was broken. Thank you for writing with such clarity about the long distance between what happened to a body and what a person is able to understand at the time.
Another amazing chapter and when I say that, it's about your writing and ability to tell the story. It really helps the reader understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship with the gaslighting, manipulation, and coercion. The way he controlled the home with his moods. And we are learning how this kind of thing changes the brain for the one being manipulated making it harder to end the relationship.
It is also disturbing about these types of communities to have no kind of agreements beforehand. I am thinking of a friend and her husband that chose to go to an adult resort. It was made clear that you did not touch another person without permission. The people in your stories sound very unhappy and immature looking to fill voids. Maybe some were in the same place as you at the time. And I'm glad you're past this in real life. I appreciate that you are sharing your story. I hope that is healing to do so. ❤️
Oh wow Eva, I saw this chapter and knew I needed some quiet to listen to it properly. It's such an awful situation fueld by substances. The way you describe your husband he is such an insecure man, low self worth, deeply unhappy sexually, searching for satisfaction so desperately and you're trying to help him. Swinging is not uncommon for couples to fix a marriage (it doesn't work), consent and rules are essential. The rape being dismissed by him I suspect would have been unbearable and therefore the only way to protect yourself you told yourself stories that felt plausible at the time.
Lots of hugs to you this would have been difficult to write.
I echo so much of what has already been said in the comments before me, but mostly I’m sending love. Love for the woman you were that night, abandoned and blamed for the traumatic experience you had no control over, and love for the woman you are now who re-lived every moment of this in order to share it. 💜❤️🩹 Your writing so beautifully captures how confusing and disorientating it can be to navigate your way through and eventually out of the gaslighting and manipulation, especially when the one doing it is someone you once loved and trusted so completely. 💔
This quote: “It took me years to consider it might be the other way around. Or worse, that both were him, and the tenderness was what made the pushing possible. It never announces itself, this thing. It buys back its ground with kindness.”
💕 aww thanks - that’s really kind.. you always say the loveliest things xx I’m glad it captures the disorientation. I’m hoping it will give awareness at least. Xx
Oooooffff I shouldn’t look at the comments first lol. Saved it. When I get some spare time away from cage fighting and arm wrestling grizzly bears I will get on it
Oh Eva this was awful to read and i can only imagine how hard it has been for you to come to terms with...i am so very sorry this happened to you! The fact this man took this way to far and broke every rule and every boundary but then to be faced with your husband making you feel as though you had done something wrong is absolutely heart breaking. I cannot fathom how this must have all felt for you and how you managed to get threw all of this. You really deserved so much more than any of it and i am so sorry that you were subjected to any it! Sending you all the love hunny, you are incredibly brave and strong for not only getting threw this stuff but for then sharing it here🙏🤍
Thank you lovely x this one was harder to write. I appreciate your beautiful feedback x Yes, consent at house parties especially was very loose, particularly once drugs and alcohol were in the mix. The clubs and bigger organised events were different. Invitations would spell out the rules: no touching without asking, let the women lead, no single men. And to be fair, most people in the lifestyle genuinely respected that. There is a structure to try to protect you from strangers (not your own partner!) but it can only so much, it’s fraught with issues.
Eva, this chapter is devastating in its precision: the casserole on the counter, the costumes, the ordinary house, the morning after, and the cycle that made apology feel like safety. The sentence about tenderness as the delivery system carries the chapter’s hardest truth, showing how affection can become part of the machinery that keeps a person confused, hopeful, and vulnerable. You make consent visible by showing the world that erased it, then showing how blame got rerouted back onto the person whose boundary was broken. Thank you for writing with such clarity about the long distance between what happened to a body and what a person is able to understand at the time.
Thank you for such a thoughtful response on a hard topic 🙏🏼💕
Another amazing chapter and when I say that, it's about your writing and ability to tell the story. It really helps the reader understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship with the gaslighting, manipulation, and coercion. The way he controlled the home with his moods. And we are learning how this kind of thing changes the brain for the one being manipulated making it harder to end the relationship.
It is also disturbing about these types of communities to have no kind of agreements beforehand. I am thinking of a friend and her husband that chose to go to an adult resort. It was made clear that you did not touch another person without permission. The people in your stories sound very unhappy and immature looking to fill voids. Maybe some were in the same place as you at the time. And I'm glad you're past this in real life. I appreciate that you are sharing your story. I hope that is healing to do so. ❤️
Oh wow Eva, I saw this chapter and knew I needed some quiet to listen to it properly. It's such an awful situation fueld by substances. The way you describe your husband he is such an insecure man, low self worth, deeply unhappy sexually, searching for satisfaction so desperately and you're trying to help him. Swinging is not uncommon for couples to fix a marriage (it doesn't work), consent and rules are essential. The rape being dismissed by him I suspect would have been unbearable and therefore the only way to protect yourself you told yourself stories that felt plausible at the time.
Lots of hugs to you this would have been difficult to write.
Katerina, you are just pure loveliness x thanks for such a beautiful, thoughtful comment and understanding the words.. it means so much x
I will keep reading Eva. I hope I understand the words and meaning behind them. Please let me know if I missinterpret anything. 💕
🤗
I echo so much of what has already been said in the comments before me, but mostly I’m sending love. Love for the woman you were that night, abandoned and blamed for the traumatic experience you had no control over, and love for the woman you are now who re-lived every moment of this in order to share it. 💜❤️🩹 Your writing so beautifully captures how confusing and disorientating it can be to navigate your way through and eventually out of the gaslighting and manipulation, especially when the one doing it is someone you once loved and trusted so completely. 💔
This quote: “It took me years to consider it might be the other way around. Or worse, that both were him, and the tenderness was what made the pushing possible. It never announces itself, this thing. It buys back its ground with kindness.”
💕 aww thanks - that’s really kind.. you always say the loveliest things xx I’m glad it captures the disorientation. I’m hoping it will give awareness at least. Xx
Oooooffff I shouldn’t look at the comments first lol. Saved it. When I get some spare time away from cage fighting and arm wrestling grizzly bears I will get on it
🤪
🫠🙃😂
Oh Eva this was awful to read and i can only imagine how hard it has been for you to come to terms with...i am so very sorry this happened to you! The fact this man took this way to far and broke every rule and every boundary but then to be faced with your husband making you feel as though you had done something wrong is absolutely heart breaking. I cannot fathom how this must have all felt for you and how you managed to get threw all of this. You really deserved so much more than any of it and i am so sorry that you were subjected to any it! Sending you all the love hunny, you are incredibly brave and strong for not only getting threw this stuff but for then sharing it here🙏🤍
Naw thank you lovely.. I’m not brave ! I am pretty wussy tbh. But hopefully talking about it helps someone who is going through something similar.
I am certain it will!!!
Thank you lovely x this one was harder to write. I appreciate your beautiful feedback x Yes, consent at house parties especially was very loose, particularly once drugs and alcohol were in the mix. The clubs and bigger organised events were different. Invitations would spell out the rules: no touching without asking, let the women lead, no single men. And to be fair, most people in the lifestyle genuinely respected that. There is a structure to try to protect you from strangers (not your own partner!) but it can only so much, it’s fraught with issues.